my life

So in an effort to document my weird upbringing and update this blog more regularly I'm going to do 2 things. The first is report all my old journal entries. I found an old journal that irregularly spans 11 or so years. I'll change the names of all the people but that is it - I'm not going to edit anything. I think it provides a fascinating glimpse into a older teen - young twenty year old's life in the JWs. Lots of things are left out and I'll try to throw those in as I go along.

Alternating with that I'm going to post interesting things from old Jehovah's Witnesses' books - books even current JWs are urged to not read or ignore because the truth has gotten brighter. But that is tomorrow's post. Today's post is from August 27, 1988, a Saturday at the end of my greatest vacation:

We're just about to take off. I can't believe two months are actually over. My vacation to Soo Canada was the best!!

I don't want to leave. I've made so many friends. Mona and Simon Tulip, Noah and Elizabeth Friendly, Julia (who gave me this book as a going away present) Sandra - the roly-poly Italian and all the people from the complex - Rick, Dave, John, Toby, Tyler, Leslie, Lisa, Shelia, Marie and many others.

At my going away party there were over 30 people there. And those were "close" friends. Mona cried and I cried. Everyone gave me a hug even Simon and Nathan. I'm really gonna miss them; especially Simon.

During the 9 day Kingdom Hall build I had a lot of different jobs. I worked on:
roofing
tiling -- cleaning and placing
scaffolding (pushing and setting up - taking down)
cleaning
drywall
errands -- water girl
food - serving and preparing
carrying supplies
laying shingles
making chalk lines

It was FUN!!!!!!!

So what was going on here? Well, I was 17 years old and had spent 2 months with my aunt in Ontario. While I was there I had the "privilege" of helping build a Kingdom Hall/Assembly Hall and got to provide free labor. As you can see I took it as a genuinely enjoyable experience and due to all the people I met it really was a good time. However, even in this first post I see hints of a girl trying to do all the right things and desperate to make friends. Part of this is directly attributable to my childhood. Being good and toeing the party line was supposed to make you a successful JW. I was the best at toeing the line.

But I was miserably unhappy. As further (and somewhat embarrassing) entries will show later I thought it was all related to boys. I was a good JW girl and the things I wrote about guys I barely knew and how quickly in my mind I jumped to marriage is truly frightening.

I'm not that girl at all. Thank goodness for that.

Now for the JW background. That summer I went to two district conventions (4 day (at that time) meetings of JWs that lasted all day long). I vividly remember the feeling of being near the time of the end. At that convention there were new proclamations condemning the "world" and holding the JWs to be a beacon in the world. I've long since lost my notes and can't find a link to them on line. But this was the summer before my senior year in high school. I was getting ready to be a regular pioneer upon graduation. This required door to door, volunteer service for a total of 1000 hours per year (90 hours/month). These proclamations and promises that we were close to the end of the world spurred on my desire to enter the full time ranks.

I didn't want to have kids, I didn't want to be rich. At that time my goal was to snag a worthy JW (preferably a pioneer) and preach. Poverty would be my lot quite willingly as I looked forward to driving old cars, living in travel trailers and serving where the need was great. Every day I worked to convince myself that this was I really truly wanted. All because I really wanted to go to Gilead, the JW missionary school. The only way I, a woman, could get there was by being married. So I pursued being married with a single minded enthusiasm. Also, my local congregation had a bad habit of having young girls get married - most were married by the time they were 20. Now this wasn't necessarily true for all JWs but it was true where I lived.

I remember the chills I felt at those conventions that summer - made more potent by the fact that I heard them twice. 1986 had been proclaimed the "Year of Peace" by the UN - a group the JWs despise. I was on tenterhooks waiting for the other shoe to drop and the end to start.

At the same time this vacation was the first time I had a chance to have others see what I considered the real me. This began a war inside me that was to last for a long time as I fought to completely run away from a life that was not working for me. In the end it was moving or friends that would save me - it was a complete break from my JW past that finally brought me peace.