Day 2 - Sept. 1, 1988

Close to the beginning of my senior year of high school I began to try to plan for the future. The fact was I never planned about anything. From the time I was very young I was told that we were living in the "time of the end." I was told I didn't need to pursue college or a career. Rather I should spend the few remaining days in this "system of things" as a full time volunteer door to door preacher. I truly bought into everything the Watchtower sold me. I wanted to be a missionary - which was open to very few couples each year. I had no desire for a career or a family in this world. I planned on postponing childbirth until the new system. We were encouraged to think like this - at a district convention when I was 16 much emphasis was placed on remaining childless. It was even strongly suggested that having children was almost abuse since, in just a few years, we'd be in paradise and could have children then. Not surprisingly these talks never made it into the Society's publications giving them the ability to deny and say that members misunderstood or made their own decisions when things didn't end when they were supposed to.

So I began making half-hearted preparations for life after high school. My mother and father expected me to be a pioneer. My mother says this was all my idea but she certainly put pressure on me from infancy. About this time my mom told me a story that had profound implications for my life.

When she was pregnant for me she had lots of trouble. She had a miscarriage a couple of years before in the 5th month. It was devastating and when she had so much trouble with this child she panicked. She had been somewhat irregular in activity as a JW after her baptism at age 16 until she was expecting her first child (me) 9 years later. She decided to return to meetings and door to door activity. She was married to a man who was not one of Jehovah's Witnesses and I've never found out what he thought about her change of heart.

In the midst of all these changes she prayed for God to allow her to have this child. She said she prayed that if this child was born she would do her best to raise this child for special service as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. For a boy this would mean service at the Watchtower headquarters and for a girl it would be missionary service. My mother lived up her end of the bargain and now expected me to fulfill her promise. I felt a bit manipulated but I looked forward to full time service.

At the same time my journals portray a young girl who wants changes and moving away. I was always running away - from friends, families, relationships that got too close for comfort. In hindsight I can see that part of me ALWAYS had trouble fulfilling my role because it wasn't what I really wanted. But when I was 17 all I could see is that I wanted something different but still allowing me to go door to door 1000 hours/year and live the way I was felt I was supposed to.

Here's today's poorly written, slightly embarrassing entry:

It's been a week since my party. It feels like a time of forever.

I'm quite confused. I used to dream of teh day I could legally move out. Then I found out I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. You can't run away from your problems. I really watn to move to SSM. But it's not because I don't like it here. I love my family and my friends. But, I like it more in SSM. I have a deep feeling that, no matter how hard it is, it will all work out.

I'm not blind to the problems. I need a good part-time job - I have thought about that.

Yes, always with the part time job! In high school my mom "guided" me to pick classes that would enable me to work part time as a secretary or receptionist. I learned to type and word process, basic accounting and basic computer programing. Taking classes like art or drama or creative writing were strongly discouraged by my mother. She wanted me to focus on as much skill based electives as possible so I could make enough money working part time.

In fact, in my 10th grade year I ended up in yearbook class the second semester. I loved it and truly found my calling. I wrote captions for pictures, wrote the story for the senior varsity basketball team, did layouts and so much more. I felt like I was making good friends and learning good skills. At the end of the school year we were required to attend a school dance to hand out the yearbooks. I dutifully stayed at the table because I was only supposed to be working - my mom allowed me to go against her better judgment. The condition was that I not go into the gym where the dance was. But being a teenager when the chaperones encouraged me to go take a break inside I went and danced two dances. My mom found out (to this day I don't know how) and that was the end of my yearbook career.

Yeah, preparing for a part time job to let me knock on doors preaching 90 hours/month - that was what high school was all about.