OOPS and a big skip in time August 2, 1989

So I haven't blogged in nearly a month because my husband cleaned the office and I couldn't find my books :) But here I go again.

Now my journal here has just a couple of notes before we skip nearly a year in the future. Karrie's mom died in October and she moved. The only other thing I recorded was a bad bout of mono. Then I skip to this entry on Wednesday, August 2, 1989:

I've forgotten to record a few noteable events. First of all I graduated May 31st. Now I enter the adult world. Secondly July 1-15 I went to unassigned territory in Nebraska.

Finally I've met a special guy. At the district assembly in Tucson Diamond and I went to talk to Jacob P. I hadn't seen him in over a year - I had assumed he'd fallen out of the truth. So anyway we talked to him for quite a while. He gave me his phone number. On Sunday he got my phone number. He flirted a lot Diamond said.

My parents left Monday morning for 2 weeks. So Diamond and I decided to have some people over the following Saturday. So we called him and he said he could come over. It turned out that only Kami O., Andrea K, Diamond and Tyler were the only other ones here.

We played Pictionary, ate chips, watched movies and talked. Diamond said Jacob spent an awful lot of time flirting with me. He's such a great guy. He's warm, sensitivie, caring, personable, been through just about everything, loves everyone (except Tyler) and on top of all that he's good looking. He has his faults: 1) talks about other people (like me) and 2) he's made serious mistakes in the past.

Anyway the following evening he called me. We talked for a few minutes and hung up. I was ecstatic. On Tuesday Diamond and I called and invited him to the movies. So my cousin, Diamond, Jacob and I went to the movies. Jacob and I sat by each other and talked through almost the entire movie.

The next night he called me and we talked for two hours. WOW!!!

He's called me a few times since then so I don't know how it will all turn out. We'll have to wait and see.

I think I might have found someone I can share everything with. I hope so.

As usual my longest entries revolve around the guy of the month. But this was a bit unusual. First of all Jacob is never mentioned again excpet for this little note scrawled at the bottom of the above entry - HE'S A NERD! 1/29/90

I had to think really hard to remember the details of this time. What really stands out isn't my budding relationship with Jacob. It is the serious trouble the little dinner party caused. You see Jacob stayed at my house (with all the girls and Tyler) until daylight. We had the front door open and watched the sunrise and no one was ever alone. Evidently this bothered Tyler's conscience (truthfully he was just intensely jealous of Jacob). So he went and told the elders about our little escapade.

I had just put in my application to regular pioneer and Jacob had just recently returned to the JWs after being involved in drugs and sex. This put me in a terrible position. The elders came and talked to me and said that all of us there that night could have been excommunicated because there were no adults (never mind that Tyler was 25, Jacob and Kami were in their early 20s and I was out of high school - we weren't married). I was horrified and hadn't realized we had done anything wrong.

I became very cold to Jacob. I was so afraid of being excommunicated. He also was worried and didn't want to get me in trouble. I dropped him and he was kind of glad because he didn't want to distract me from regular pioneering.

My mom saw Jacob last week at a Kingdom Hall build. He and his wife are regular pioneers and he's an elder. Weird eh?

Photo drama of creation - pg 5 & 6

Well, really just page 6. Page 5 was more of the wacky ring theory. One of the rings fell down making a supercharged carbon environment that caused big plants to grow so that we could have oil. Also the sun and moon were there. The sun equals "New Covenant Rule" and the moon equals "Law Covenant Rule." So page 5 isn't that interesting.

Page 6 on the other is my first "What the heck?" page. Page 6 is why I decided to blog about this book. Page 6 changed everything for me. Let's see why shall we?

The conflict between Evolution and the Bible has been sharp. Nevertheless, unnecessary friction has been generated.

Only in respect to man does the Bible declare a special, direct creation of God. The statements of Genesis in respect to the lower creatures rather favor something along the line lines of specialized Evolution.

Yes, you do read that correctly - the Photo-drama of Creation, this epic movie/slide show by the JWs, actually taught that evolution (except as it applies to man) is true. As this article very clearly shows any form of evolution is not compatible with the JWs of today. I particularly like this quote:

Evolution is therefore incompatible with the Bible. Evolution presents modern man as an improving animal. The Bible presents modern man as the degenerating descendant of a perfect man. The idea that God directed evolution in order to produce man is also incompatible with what the Bible says about God’s personality. If God guided the process of evolution, it would mean that he guided mankind into its present diseased and distressed state. However, the Bible says of God: “The Rock, perfect is his activity, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness, with whom there is no injustice; righteous and upright is he. They have acted ruinously on their own part; they are not his children, the defect is their own.” (Deuteronomy 32:4, 5) Therefore, mankind’s present suffering is not the result of God-directed evolution. It is the result of one man’s losing perfection for himself and his offspring by rebelling against God.

In other words, the reason we die is because of God's judgment on man after he ate of the tree but it's not God's fault. It is man's fault. Therefore, evolution can't be true and the Garden of Eden literally changed DNA and molecular structure so we were no longer perfect but could now die.

The first JW president tried so hard to make the JWs scietnfic. Now the JWs have completely abandoned the very foundation of their religion and even call evolution a "religious viewpoint." However, I'm not going to talk to more - I think their words more than speak for themselves. As usual they are masters of the flip-flop.

Sunday - Sept 18, 1988

I'm just going to jump in with the post today. It's all about me going door to door with a guy and how I'm a moron :)

My parents went away for the weekend. My aunt stayed with us. It was boring.

Today was great. After meeting, Tammy asked me to go out in service. She said Timmy was going with Steven. She needed someone to work with. I said OK. So Leena and Travis went out. They ended up working together. Timmy was with Tammy, Steven and I. We get to the territory and Steven says he wants to work with Tammy. So I ended up working with Timmy. I didn't say one word.

After we did some return visits, Timmy says "Take me to Leena and Travis' house and I'll take her home." I was freaking out. We walked in the house together and Leena and Travis did a double take. It was priceless.

Tonight was a going away gathering for Colton. Leena took me. She asked me if I was mad at Timmy. I said "Why?" She said he said I didn't say anything all the way home. I said I just couldn't think of anything to say. I could have died.

After we went to Peter Piper we went to play raquetball. The teams - Timmy and I against Steven and Junior. Timmy and I won.

Now here's the strange part:

Karrie and I were talking to him and he was staring at me. I jsut stared back. Later I asked Karrie if it was imagination or what. Karrie said it wasn't my imagination. I don't think he likes me for more than a friend but he sure has me curious!!!

Why so much drama? Why couldn't I form a sentence to talk to a semi-attractive guy even as a friend? Why so much excitement over someone giving me a ride home? This is a glimpse into the average JW world.

First of all let me explain what we were doing going out in service. That is what JWs call the door to door ministry. The terrirotry is a small part of the local congregations area that people would "check out" and agree to contact somoene in every house in teh area before turning back in. Return visits were when you'd go back to someone who had shown some kind of interest and try to develop into a Bible study. A big part of "field service" for me was the car group - the people you were with. I really enjoyed the interactions and had some very fun times in the door to door ministry (a snowball fight being particuarlly memorable). But those were certainly the exception - most of the time it was deadly boring!

It was customary where I lived for guys who were itnerested in girls to ask them to work with them in service - that's what Steven was doing with Tammy. It wasn't common for girls and guys to work togehter who didn't have an interest in each other. Being alone at a door with Timmy left me completely tongue tied. Timmy was a very fashionable, charasmatic skier who normally didn't give me the time of day. I was too straight and narrow to be part of his crowd. His brother was Travis who married 16 year old Leena. My brother was very close to this crowd who drove fancy cars and hung out in what I was sure was questionable activities. I never quite fit in because I would for sure tell if they were doing ANYTHING wrong.

The reason Leena and Travis did the double take is because JWs are never allowed to be alone with members of the opposite sex. Strict chaperoning occurs even among people in their 60s (ostensibly to set the example for younger ones). While we wouldn't necessarily get in trouble for driving home alone strict limits were put on such activities such as people knowing what time you left and arrived home. I had to report this to Leena when she picked me up. It could also cause harm to your reputation. The appearance of wrong doing is very real as a JW teen. You don't have to do something wrong - you just have to appear to do so to 2 or more people and you can be expelled from the congregation.

The organization really frowns on friendships cultivated at a truly personal level by young people of opposite sex. I could never have had a private conversation with Timmy unless we had stated interest in each other for the purpose of marriage. Even then our conversations would have had to adhere to certain standards. So when I found myself alone with him I was scared, worried about my reputation and completely unable to carry on a conversation.

This is still a problem for me even now. Last year I had to go with a male coworker to a meeting. A simple 1/2 hour drive left my stomach in knots with worry that I wouldn't be able to appropriately uphold my end of the conversation. This is with more than ten years of practice! The segregation of the sexes and the artificial constructs of the JW teen life really stunts emotional growth. It makes it impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex and many lives are certainly hurt because of it.

That's why the whole staring thing was so noteworthy. IF he did develop an interest in me (he never did to my knowledge) longing glances like in a Victorian romance would be the first indication. The fact that even Karrie would comment on it shows how noteworthy completely innocent things were. This wasn't like two girlfriends getting together and saying "Oh my did you see him look at me?" "He likes you" like normal girls talk. This was serious. If he was staring at me he was setting the stage for potentially asking me out. And the only reason you can date in the JW world was for marriage.

I would have never really considered him as he was certainly lacking in spiritual qualities (and was later excommunicated for homosexual relationships!) But all this interaction with him left me nonplussed for a while as you'll see in my next entry.

As for what happened to Tammy and Steven? They got married, had a child, divorced. It was a huge scandal when they divorced - he left her for Tammy's brother's wife. I know of a bunch of other cases just like that. Yes, in the JW world things are not always as pure and innocent as they seem.

Photo drama of creation - pg 4

So it's been nearly a week since my last post - I've been sick and haven't felt like doing much. It has taken all my energy just to make it through the week. But I'm better now so let's jump into to page 4 of the Photodrama:

The 2nd paragraph says that although the operations of God are amazing most of the time they are accomplished by the course of nature. Since they are so scientific they refer to another theory "cosmogony" again referring to the rings of the previous pages. Evidently this is what caused land to appear:

These, according to the Divine intention, so increased the pressure on the crust of the Earth as to cause it to buckle or wrinkle. These depressions became ocean beds and the upheavals became mountain ranges...This draining must have required a long time.

They also mention that Europe, Asia and Africa were "thrown up" first and that North and South America was thrown up later. It's also mentioned that the kind of vegetation growing on the 3rd day was those which "prosper best in darksome shades."

Now remember in previous pages we learned each creative day supposedly lasted 7,000 years. I'm not sure their vague ideas about "long time" and "much later" mean that much. What could the significance of North and South America being 2 or 4 thousand years younger than the other three mentioned? Pretty weird.

Of course JWs no longer teach a younger North and South America. And we've already discussed the whole theory of the rings. So far they aren't winning any points.

Something different

I procrastinated writing the post for today because I wanted to talk about a Danish movie I watched today. In English it is called "Worlds Apart" and you can read a review here. You can find the official website here. If you have On Demand service from your cable provider you can probably see it too.

The movie is about a 17 year old JW girl from a devout family. She goes with a slightly wilder friend one night to a dance where she meets the dreaded non-JW guy. As the story progresses we find out the father had an affair, the mother has moved out he was repentant and the she wouldn't forgive him so they blamed her more and the older brother has been expelled from the congregation for reading the "wrong book." Her decisions set in motion a series of events that she struggles to control.

I expected this movie to make me angry or upset. But it was handled in a very sensitive manner. It was really very realistic of the stranglehold the religion can have on people. That girl was so very much like me at that age. That's what I'm hoping to show through my journal entries. The heartbreak of leaving everyone and everything you know and striking out for something of your own is so real in this movie. Of course, it could be any close minded group that the director chose. In some ways I almost wished he would have picked a different group so I could get my family to watch this movie.

As for how I feel, well, now I feel incredibly sad. I watched the movie while sewing the patch on my boys' Little League uniforms. There's a scene in the movie where Sara and her family are going door to door and she looks a bit wisfully at a group playing football in the park. I was sewing when that came on and I thought about how my children are growing up with freedom and unconditional love.

For the first time in a long time I felt sad about my own childhood.

Sunday - Sept 11, 1988

I'm going to post what appears to be a very innocent, typical kid entry. But the results were hardly typical:

I got really mad today. Monte said all of this stuff that was untrue. That Simon was my boyfriend and I was going to marry him and all this. I never said that. I just want to cry. I want out of here so bad. Things like that always happen here. It's not fair. Mom asked me if I was mad because I got caught. I DIDN'T do anything to get caught at!!!!! That was Mom's attitude.

Candy, Steve, Monte, Julie and Jason said the librarian told us to be quiet (my sister and I). LIES LIES LIES!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do anymore. I'll just keep to myself. I know Diamond won't lie about me. One of my few true friends here.

Yep on the face of it typical teen age whining - "It isn't fair" crap. But this incident (half forgotten after 20 years) had some serious fall out.

First of all there's the reason all of us good JW kids were in the library to begin with. At the beginning of the previous school year there was a big brouhaha because we weren't giving a united front. You see some of us were going to the pep rallies. Some of us were going to the library. Some of us were standing (but not participating) for the national anthem and some stayed seated. JWs were discouraged from pep rallies, not allowed to participate in sports and encouraged to not be involved in their school. On the contrary, you were to view school as a preaching "territory" and cultivate student interest in the JWs. And you were absolutely forbidden from participating in the national anthem because JWs were supposed to stay completely neutral when it came to national issues. So this wide range of responses was problematic for the JW congregation.

Candy was an elder's child and quite the proper girl. She let her father know what was going on and there were a series of elders' meetings to decide who should be disciplined, who was right and what we should all do in the future. So much for letting your conscience be your guide. I don't remember if anyone got in trouble but it was decided that we all were to go to the library so as to avoid the appearance of wrongdoing. It was also a convenient way to spy on each other as we could see if someone didn't show up to the library and they were quickly told on.

This particular day Monte was causing trouble. He was staying with his cousins, Julie and Jason, and he was kind of a bad boy. He was always making trouble. In this case, he started telling everyone else that I said Simon was my fiancee. Looking back now the whole situation was quite ridiculous. But the others took his side and next thing I know Candy's elder dad is summoning me to a meeting with him and another elder.

Seriously, I was in big trouble over this unsubstantiated issue. They questioned me for quite a while, then questioned my sister and Diamond. Only Diamond's absolute insistence that nothing was as it appeared saved me from a judicial meeting. A judicial meeting can lead to expulsion from the ranks of the JWs or it can lead to less severe but difficult consequences. You see, even though I had a spotless record as JW and had (at least to my knowledge) never given anyone any cause to believe I was ever less than truthful, the elders were inclined to believe Candy, Monte, Jason and Julie. The fact that Julie who didn't like me was best friends with Candy and was Jason's twin (and cousin to Monte) never entered into their deliberations. There were four of them against me and the elders believed that 2 or 3 people were all that was needed to determine guilt. I was not allowed to discuss this or meet with this 4 at any time. It seems incredible now. Simon lived nearly 3000 miles away, no one ever called him to see if we did indeed have a relationship and that this was not a serious issue in the grand scheme of things never was discussed. Many hours were spent, parents were consulted and I began to wonder if I had indeed done something wrong even inadvertently.

In the end, Diamond, who always had a stellar reputation as one of the JWs was believed (and less so my sister since she might be trying to protect me - see any problems with that?) I was sternly and completely admonished to make sure that I was always truthful and to avoid the appearance of wrongdoing. The elders believed I had led the others to think I had a relationship with Simon and since that was the same thing as lying outright I needed to be careful. Next time I'd be reproved and not allowed to comment at meetings or possibly marked. Worse case scenario would be excommunication.

Yes, teen whining and the unfairness of young adulthood could very well have been my undoing. I was still only 17 years old.

Photo drama of creation - pg 3

Now we are getting to the good stuff. The pictures and the first paragraph are actually pretty conventional for Old Earth creationist types. The word day isn't literally 24 hours, the book informs us, because of Ps. 95:8 which says "Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, [and] as [in] the day of temptation in the wilderness" and evidently meant the 40 years. So really pretty conventional for OEC believers. Amazingly enough the JWs still teach this today too.

But then paragraph three changes everything. Here is a teaching that dramatically impacted my life. Later in the book it is evident that this teaching didn't mean what it did in the late 60s and early 70s. Still the seeds of teaching can be found in this paragraph:

We follow the theory that each of the Seven Days of the Creative Week was a period of seven thousand years. This, seven times seven thousand, equals forty-nine thousand (7 x 7,000 = 49,000) years, ushering in a grand Jubilee Epoch.

There is no support for this shown here. This teaching became a pivotal JW teaching in the late 60s and early 70s. Although JW leadership says that members misunderstood the teachings during that time period, JWs were led by the leadership to believe that 6000 years of man's existence was going to end in 1975 and Armageddon would come. Interestingly, the idea of Armageddon is NOT part of the Photo Drama.

Since JW leadership actively denies that they prophesy and that members ran ahead of "Jehovah's organization" in 1975 it is appropriate to document what they actually said in the run up to 1975. But before I do this I want to talk about what this teaching meant for me personally and for my family. I was born in the early 70s and I was told from a very young age that I would never start school. I would never have children in this "evil age." I would soon live with lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) Families I knew pulled their children from middle and high school so they could spend more time preaching, sold everything they owned, spent or donated all of their savings based on 1975 being the end of the world. People lived in a fevered state of existence. There was a sense of urgency to the preaching work. It was also during this time my mom became reactivated as one of the JWs.

Here are some 1975 quotes sent to me by a friend who was in her 20s during this time:

Our Kingdom Ministry March 1968 p.4

Making some special effort to do more than the usual helps us live up to our dedication. In view of the short period of time left, we want to do this as often as circumstances permit. Just think, brothers, there are only about ninety months left before 6,000 years of man's existence on earth is completed… Do you remember what we learned at the assemblies last summer? The majority of people living today will probably be alive when Armageddon breaks out, and there are no resurrection hopes for those who are destroyed then. So, now more than ever, it is vital not to ignore that spirit of wanting to do more.

[Emphasis Added]

Awake! 1969 May 22 p.15

If you are a young person, you also need to face the fact that you will never grow old in this present system of things. Why not? Because all the evidence in fulfillment of Bible prophecy indicates that this corrupt system is due to end in a few years. Of the generation that observed the beginning of the 'last days' in 1914, Jesus foretold: 'This generation will by no means pass away until all these things occur.' Therefore, as a young person, you will never fulfill any career that this system offers. If you are in high school and thinking about a college education, it means at least four, perhaps even six or eight more years to graduate into a specialized career. But where will this system of things be by that time? It will be well on the way towards its finish, if not actually gone! This is why parents who base their lives on God's prophetic Word find it much more practical to direct their young ones into trades that do not require such long periods of additional schooling… True, those who do not understand where we are in the stream of time from God's viewpoint will call this impractical. But which is really practical: preparing yourself for a position in this world that soon will pass away? or working toward surviving this system's end and enjoying eternal life in God's righteous new order?

[Emphasis Added]

The Nations Shall Know That I Am Jehovah - How (1971) p.216

Shortly, within our twentieth century, the "battle in the day of Jehovah" will begin against the modern anti-type of Jerusalem, Christendom.

[Emphasis Added]

You can find a lot more here.

Anyway, the seeds of the 1975 fiasco begin here in 1914 - ironically enough a date which has always been a line in the sand for JWs. But there is no discussion of it other than it's a theory they hold to. Later as JW theology developed lots of reasons came up for the 7000 years of creation. But at this time there is no evidence - just a theory. A lot of people based their lives on this "theory" that acted a lot like a prophecy. A lot of people, careers, families and more were destroyed by this non-prophecy. It also caused a lot of nightmares. I remember the picture on the linked page that is on the top (came out in the '80s I think) and I remember the picture on the bottom right which I believe is pre-1975.

As if that wasn't enough we get more wacky science at the end of the page. We're still talking about those rings like Saturn that were supposedly around the earth at that time. They talk about "mineralized waters" being above the earth held in by centrifugal force. They broke and reached the earth which caused the mineral deposits in the earth. My favorite quote comes in the last paragraph:

The Deluge of Noah's day was the last, of pure water only, heavier minerals being attracted first. Hence minerals are generally under several layers of shale and soil.

Ok so the minerals in the soil got there by collapsing rings (supposedly like the rings around Saturn) and Noah floated on pure water. If it was coming down to be on the already mineralized earth, why would it matter? Furthermore, once again we are given no citation or reference. I don't know if this was modern science in 1914 but I'm guessing no. We know a lot about how minerals got here and a ring around the earth wasn't ever taken seriously I don't think.

Just wait till you see the science that is coming up. It'll knock your socks off.

September 10, 1988

Ugh, teen angst! And not just any teen angst - JW teen angst which is just weird and pathetic looking back now. So let's just dive in and I'll explain it after the quote:

It's so hard for me here. I called Tulips' house today today. Simon answered.He was really surprised I called. Noah and Elizabeth were there too with their mom. Mona almost died. She was just getting over the flu. She's written me a letter. I hope I get it soon.

We up my day bed today. It looks nice.

I've got to get a job soon. I need to save money to move to Canada. I've also got to find out about Canadian immigration. That's kind of scary.

My mom doesn't know I called Mona. I hope I get money before she finds out. I just had to call. I couldn't resist. It should only be about $12, or maybe a little more?

Karrie told me Dana likes her and she's attracted to him. I'm the only one that knows. Unfortunately, he's engaged. I told her to avoid that. She's only getting into trouble!!!!! That could be SO dangerous!!!!!!!!!

Karrie told me Ramona and Rob broke up! HAHA! They're both such losers.

Yes lots of good gossip and drama here. Mona was my best friend in SSM. I had a terrible crush on her brother Simon. So I was excited to hear his voice. I want to make clear that I was completely ignored by him - I took every single kindness as proof that he really liked me but he never made a move towards that at all. He was a bit boring and very serious - I knew he would make a fine missionary one day. I was single minded when it came to looking for a mate. But really why was I even looking for a mate? I was only 17 years old.

Karrie was my sister's best friend and 14. Dana was older than me - probably 20-22. He had a big crush on Karrie which strikes me now as kind of icky. But since so many girls in our congregation married between the ages of 16 and 20 I didn't even think twice about it. The trouble I was worried about was with the elders. Things like personal responsibility, Dana living up to his obligations as a fiancee and trust - these were not my concern. My sole concern was that Karrie could get in trouble with the elders.

I took very seriously the admonition that we never be alone with a member of the opposite sex. I was very careful to make sure that everyone I knew had at least one extra person with them. I was terrified to be alone with someone of the opposite sex. I was so afraid of the appearance of wrong doing I couldn't even carry on a conversation with boys. This led to my fixation with Simon 2500 miles away. This also had serious consequences as you'll see later.

I was also sure that none of my friends would so much as kiss inappropriately so I had no idea that Karrie had been enticing Dana. Things had certainly gotten physical with them. But since I wasn't around to witness any appearance of wrongdoing I never thought that they were behaving very inappropriately. I should add that Dana did marry his girl and end up divorced just a couple of years later.

Photo drama of creation - pg 2

Now we are learning about the 1st day or epoch. The book says that we are told nothing about the formation of the earth. The Genesis account relates to the ordering of the earth for human habitation. Interesting quote:

There are various theories regarding its formation. We follow the one most closely harmonizing with the Bible. It is called the Vailian theory. It assumes that Saturn's rings and Jupiter's belts illustrate Earth's development as a planet.

I wondered what the Vailian theory was and how popular it was at the time this was written. However all the links I've found relate to Russell or the book Creation also published by the International Bible Students (later JWs). Here's an interesting link.

I'm still trying to research it but basically this theory says the canopy supposedly over the Earth before the flood was caused by going through a kind of evolution of planets.

They also say that when God said "Let there be light" he was talking about something like the Aurora Borealis. We also find here the first mention of the creative days being 7,000 years in this sentence:

Thus, briefly, is summed up the result of the 7,000 years, styled the First Day.

This is followed by a bizarre paragraph I'm still trying to figure out:

There are scientists who claim that the Earth still has one ring about it, an electrical ring which, falling, will in a few years destroy fermentation, microbes and parasites, and greatly assist plant and animal life.

I'm not sure why the destruction of those three things would be thought to assist plants - perhaps this was a common view back then but I can't find anything online to support it.

Once again this is NOT what JWs teach today. Today they teach each creative day lasted an undetermined length of time and specific theories aren't mentioned or they put in very vague terms. No wonder why they later had to come out with Creation and still later with the book Life - How did it get here: By Evolution? Or Creation?

Just another day where their teachings change like I change my clothes.

Day 2 - Sept. 1, 1988

Close to the beginning of my senior year of high school I began to try to plan for the future. The fact was I never planned about anything. From the time I was very young I was told that we were living in the "time of the end." I was told I didn't need to pursue college or a career. Rather I should spend the few remaining days in this "system of things" as a full time volunteer door to door preacher. I truly bought into everything the Watchtower sold me. I wanted to be a missionary - which was open to very few couples each year. I had no desire for a career or a family in this world. I planned on postponing childbirth until the new system. We were encouraged to think like this - at a district convention when I was 16 much emphasis was placed on remaining childless. It was even strongly suggested that having children was almost abuse since, in just a few years, we'd be in paradise and could have children then. Not surprisingly these talks never made it into the Society's publications giving them the ability to deny and say that members misunderstood or made their own decisions when things didn't end when they were supposed to.

So I began making half-hearted preparations for life after high school. My mother and father expected me to be a pioneer. My mother says this was all my idea but she certainly put pressure on me from infancy. About this time my mom told me a story that had profound implications for my life.

When she was pregnant for me she had lots of trouble. She had a miscarriage a couple of years before in the 5th month. It was devastating and when she had so much trouble with this child she panicked. She had been somewhat irregular in activity as a JW after her baptism at age 16 until she was expecting her first child (me) 9 years later. She decided to return to meetings and door to door activity. She was married to a man who was not one of Jehovah's Witnesses and I've never found out what he thought about her change of heart.

In the midst of all these changes she prayed for God to allow her to have this child. She said she prayed that if this child was born she would do her best to raise this child for special service as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. For a boy this would mean service at the Watchtower headquarters and for a girl it would be missionary service. My mother lived up her end of the bargain and now expected me to fulfill her promise. I felt a bit manipulated but I looked forward to full time service.

At the same time my journals portray a young girl who wants changes and moving away. I was always running away - from friends, families, relationships that got too close for comfort. In hindsight I can see that part of me ALWAYS had trouble fulfilling my role because it wasn't what I really wanted. But when I was 17 all I could see is that I wanted something different but still allowing me to go door to door 1000 hours/year and live the way I was felt I was supposed to.

Here's today's poorly written, slightly embarrassing entry:

It's been a week since my party. It feels like a time of forever.

I'm quite confused. I used to dream of teh day I could legally move out. Then I found out I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. You can't run away from your problems. I really watn to move to SSM. But it's not because I don't like it here. I love my family and my friends. But, I like it more in SSM. I have a deep feeling that, no matter how hard it is, it will all work out.

I'm not blind to the problems. I need a good part-time job - I have thought about that.

Yes, always with the part time job! In high school my mom "guided" me to pick classes that would enable me to work part time as a secretary or receptionist. I learned to type and word process, basic accounting and basic computer programing. Taking classes like art or drama or creative writing were strongly discouraged by my mother. She wanted me to focus on as much skill based electives as possible so I could make enough money working part time.

In fact, in my 10th grade year I ended up in yearbook class the second semester. I loved it and truly found my calling. I wrote captions for pictures, wrote the story for the senior varsity basketball team, did layouts and so much more. I felt like I was making good friends and learning good skills. At the end of the school year we were required to attend a school dance to hand out the yearbooks. I dutifully stayed at the table because I was only supposed to be working - my mom allowed me to go against her better judgment. The condition was that I not go into the gym where the dance was. But being a teenager when the chaperones encouraged me to go take a break inside I went and danced two dances. My mom found out (to this day I don't know how) and that was the end of my yearbook career.

Yeah, preparing for a part time job to let me knock on doors preaching 90 hours/month - that was what high school was all about.

Photo drama of creation - pg 1

So I have a copy of the book The Photodrama of Creation published by the International Bible Students (later name change to Jehovah's Witnesses). It was published in 1914. The copy I have says it was a Christmas gift to Emery in 1917. The recording of the photodrama was shown all over the world and is talked about in the JW's book commonly called the "Proclaimers" book (a history of their growth from their perspective.) I was astonished to read the IBS teachings of that time. This is decidedly NOT the religion I grew up in. So I'll quote one thing a day. Let's see how many changes this adds up to.

Our Sun is only one of the fixed stars, of which the most up-to-date astronomical methods estimate there are one hundred and twenty-five millions. Around each of these fixed stars undoubtedly revolves a planetary System like our own. Thus reckoned, there are one thousand million worlds. Even this is not the limit. If we should stand upon the farthest and dimmest star, we should no doubt from there see as many more beyond. We are appalled at the greatness of the Universe. The zodiacal signs illustrate various sections of the heavens, visible at different seasons.

This is from page 1 of the book and I hesitated to even put this in. After all, the science was fairly accurate for 100 years ago. Even the comment about the zodiac could be seen as innocent enough. This page is accompanied by a picture called "Signs of the Zodiac" in a neat circle with the sun in the middle. However, the Society (as Jehovah's Witnesses call their parent organization) is vehemently opposed to any occult practices including astrology. You can see an article on their website about astrology here. It is inconceivable that such an innocent quote would be included in their literature today. Jehovah's Witnesses are taught that the light of truth is continually getting brighter so this small discrepancy would not bother them at all. It does, however, give me pause and sets the stage for what is to come.

my life

So in an effort to document my weird upbringing and update this blog more regularly I'm going to do 2 things. The first is report all my old journal entries. I found an old journal that irregularly spans 11 or so years. I'll change the names of all the people but that is it - I'm not going to edit anything. I think it provides a fascinating glimpse into a older teen - young twenty year old's life in the JWs. Lots of things are left out and I'll try to throw those in as I go along.

Alternating with that I'm going to post interesting things from old Jehovah's Witnesses' books - books even current JWs are urged to not read or ignore because the truth has gotten brighter. But that is tomorrow's post. Today's post is from August 27, 1988, a Saturday at the end of my greatest vacation:

We're just about to take off. I can't believe two months are actually over. My vacation to Soo Canada was the best!!

I don't want to leave. I've made so many friends. Mona and Simon Tulip, Noah and Elizabeth Friendly, Julia (who gave me this book as a going away present) Sandra - the roly-poly Italian and all the people from the complex - Rick, Dave, John, Toby, Tyler, Leslie, Lisa, Shelia, Marie and many others.

At my going away party there were over 30 people there. And those were "close" friends. Mona cried and I cried. Everyone gave me a hug even Simon and Nathan. I'm really gonna miss them; especially Simon.

During the 9 day Kingdom Hall build I had a lot of different jobs. I worked on:
roofing
tiling -- cleaning and placing
scaffolding (pushing and setting up - taking down)
cleaning
drywall
errands -- water girl
food - serving and preparing
carrying supplies
laying shingles
making chalk lines

It was FUN!!!!!!!

So what was going on here? Well, I was 17 years old and had spent 2 months with my aunt in Ontario. While I was there I had the "privilege" of helping build a Kingdom Hall/Assembly Hall and got to provide free labor. As you can see I took it as a genuinely enjoyable experience and due to all the people I met it really was a good time. However, even in this first post I see hints of a girl trying to do all the right things and desperate to make friends. Part of this is directly attributable to my childhood. Being good and toeing the party line was supposed to make you a successful JW. I was the best at toeing the line.

But I was miserably unhappy. As further (and somewhat embarrassing) entries will show later I thought it was all related to boys. I was a good JW girl and the things I wrote about guys I barely knew and how quickly in my mind I jumped to marriage is truly frightening.

I'm not that girl at all. Thank goodness for that.

Now for the JW background. That summer I went to two district conventions (4 day (at that time) meetings of JWs that lasted all day long). I vividly remember the feeling of being near the time of the end. At that convention there were new proclamations condemning the "world" and holding the JWs to be a beacon in the world. I've long since lost my notes and can't find a link to them on line. But this was the summer before my senior year in high school. I was getting ready to be a regular pioneer upon graduation. This required door to door, volunteer service for a total of 1000 hours per year (90 hours/month). These proclamations and promises that we were close to the end of the world spurred on my desire to enter the full time ranks.

I didn't want to have kids, I didn't want to be rich. At that time my goal was to snag a worthy JW (preferably a pioneer) and preach. Poverty would be my lot quite willingly as I looked forward to driving old cars, living in travel trailers and serving where the need was great. Every day I worked to convince myself that this was I really truly wanted. All because I really wanted to go to Gilead, the JW missionary school. The only way I, a woman, could get there was by being married. So I pursued being married with a single minded enthusiasm. Also, my local congregation had a bad habit of having young girls get married - most were married by the time they were 20. Now this wasn't necessarily true for all JWs but it was true where I lived.

I remember the chills I felt at those conventions that summer - made more potent by the fact that I heard them twice. 1986 had been proclaimed the "Year of Peace" by the UN - a group the JWs despise. I was on tenterhooks waiting for the other shoe to drop and the end to start.

At the same time this vacation was the first time I had a chance to have others see what I considered the real me. This began a war inside me that was to last for a long time as I fought to completely run away from a life that was not working for me. In the end it was moving or friends that would save me - it was a complete break from my JW past that finally brought me peace.