Sunday - Sept 18, 1988

I'm just going to jump in with the post today. It's all about me going door to door with a guy and how I'm a moron :)

My parents went away for the weekend. My aunt stayed with us. It was boring.

Today was great. After meeting, Tammy asked me to go out in service. She said Timmy was going with Steven. She needed someone to work with. I said OK. So Leena and Travis went out. They ended up working together. Timmy was with Tammy, Steven and I. We get to the territory and Steven says he wants to work with Tammy. So I ended up working with Timmy. I didn't say one word.

After we did some return visits, Timmy says "Take me to Leena and Travis' house and I'll take her home." I was freaking out. We walked in the house together and Leena and Travis did a double take. It was priceless.

Tonight was a going away gathering for Colton. Leena took me. She asked me if I was mad at Timmy. I said "Why?" She said he said I didn't say anything all the way home. I said I just couldn't think of anything to say. I could have died.

After we went to Peter Piper we went to play raquetball. The teams - Timmy and I against Steven and Junior. Timmy and I won.

Now here's the strange part:

Karrie and I were talking to him and he was staring at me. I jsut stared back. Later I asked Karrie if it was imagination or what. Karrie said it wasn't my imagination. I don't think he likes me for more than a friend but he sure has me curious!!!

Why so much drama? Why couldn't I form a sentence to talk to a semi-attractive guy even as a friend? Why so much excitement over someone giving me a ride home? This is a glimpse into the average JW world.

First of all let me explain what we were doing going out in service. That is what JWs call the door to door ministry. The terrirotry is a small part of the local congregations area that people would "check out" and agree to contact somoene in every house in teh area before turning back in. Return visits were when you'd go back to someone who had shown some kind of interest and try to develop into a Bible study. A big part of "field service" for me was the car group - the people you were with. I really enjoyed the interactions and had some very fun times in the door to door ministry (a snowball fight being particuarlly memorable). But those were certainly the exception - most of the time it was deadly boring!

It was customary where I lived for guys who were itnerested in girls to ask them to work with them in service - that's what Steven was doing with Tammy. It wasn't common for girls and guys to work togehter who didn't have an interest in each other. Being alone at a door with Timmy left me completely tongue tied. Timmy was a very fashionable, charasmatic skier who normally didn't give me the time of day. I was too straight and narrow to be part of his crowd. His brother was Travis who married 16 year old Leena. My brother was very close to this crowd who drove fancy cars and hung out in what I was sure was questionable activities. I never quite fit in because I would for sure tell if they were doing ANYTHING wrong.

The reason Leena and Travis did the double take is because JWs are never allowed to be alone with members of the opposite sex. Strict chaperoning occurs even among people in their 60s (ostensibly to set the example for younger ones). While we wouldn't necessarily get in trouble for driving home alone strict limits were put on such activities such as people knowing what time you left and arrived home. I had to report this to Leena when she picked me up. It could also cause harm to your reputation. The appearance of wrong doing is very real as a JW teen. You don't have to do something wrong - you just have to appear to do so to 2 or more people and you can be expelled from the congregation.

The organization really frowns on friendships cultivated at a truly personal level by young people of opposite sex. I could never have had a private conversation with Timmy unless we had stated interest in each other for the purpose of marriage. Even then our conversations would have had to adhere to certain standards. So when I found myself alone with him I was scared, worried about my reputation and completely unable to carry on a conversation.

This is still a problem for me even now. Last year I had to go with a male coworker to a meeting. A simple 1/2 hour drive left my stomach in knots with worry that I wouldn't be able to appropriately uphold my end of the conversation. This is with more than ten years of practice! The segregation of the sexes and the artificial constructs of the JW teen life really stunts emotional growth. It makes it impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex and many lives are certainly hurt because of it.

That's why the whole staring thing was so noteworthy. IF he did develop an interest in me (he never did to my knowledge) longing glances like in a Victorian romance would be the first indication. The fact that even Karrie would comment on it shows how noteworthy completely innocent things were. This wasn't like two girlfriends getting together and saying "Oh my did you see him look at me?" "He likes you" like normal girls talk. This was serious. If he was staring at me he was setting the stage for potentially asking me out. And the only reason you can date in the JW world was for marriage.

I would have never really considered him as he was certainly lacking in spiritual qualities (and was later excommunicated for homosexual relationships!) But all this interaction with him left me nonplussed for a while as you'll see in my next entry.

As for what happened to Tammy and Steven? They got married, had a child, divorced. It was a huge scandal when they divorced - he left her for Tammy's brother's wife. I know of a bunch of other cases just like that. Yes, in the JW world things are not always as pure and innocent as they seem.

my life

So in an effort to document my weird upbringing and update this blog more regularly I'm going to do 2 things. The first is report all my old journal entries. I found an old journal that irregularly spans 11 or so years. I'll change the names of all the people but that is it - I'm not going to edit anything. I think it provides a fascinating glimpse into a older teen - young twenty year old's life in the JWs. Lots of things are left out and I'll try to throw those in as I go along.

Alternating with that I'm going to post interesting things from old Jehovah's Witnesses' books - books even current JWs are urged to not read or ignore because the truth has gotten brighter. But that is tomorrow's post. Today's post is from August 27, 1988, a Saturday at the end of my greatest vacation:

We're just about to take off. I can't believe two months are actually over. My vacation to Soo Canada was the best!!

I don't want to leave. I've made so many friends. Mona and Simon Tulip, Noah and Elizabeth Friendly, Julia (who gave me this book as a going away present) Sandra - the roly-poly Italian and all the people from the complex - Rick, Dave, John, Toby, Tyler, Leslie, Lisa, Shelia, Marie and many others.

At my going away party there were over 30 people there. And those were "close" friends. Mona cried and I cried. Everyone gave me a hug even Simon and Nathan. I'm really gonna miss them; especially Simon.

During the 9 day Kingdom Hall build I had a lot of different jobs. I worked on:
roofing
tiling -- cleaning and placing
scaffolding (pushing and setting up - taking down)
cleaning
drywall
errands -- water girl
food - serving and preparing
carrying supplies
laying shingles
making chalk lines

It was FUN!!!!!!!

So what was going on here? Well, I was 17 years old and had spent 2 months with my aunt in Ontario. While I was there I had the "privilege" of helping build a Kingdom Hall/Assembly Hall and got to provide free labor. As you can see I took it as a genuinely enjoyable experience and due to all the people I met it really was a good time. However, even in this first post I see hints of a girl trying to do all the right things and desperate to make friends. Part of this is directly attributable to my childhood. Being good and toeing the party line was supposed to make you a successful JW. I was the best at toeing the line.

But I was miserably unhappy. As further (and somewhat embarrassing) entries will show later I thought it was all related to boys. I was a good JW girl and the things I wrote about guys I barely knew and how quickly in my mind I jumped to marriage is truly frightening.

I'm not that girl at all. Thank goodness for that.

Now for the JW background. That summer I went to two district conventions (4 day (at that time) meetings of JWs that lasted all day long). I vividly remember the feeling of being near the time of the end. At that convention there were new proclamations condemning the "world" and holding the JWs to be a beacon in the world. I've long since lost my notes and can't find a link to them on line. But this was the summer before my senior year in high school. I was getting ready to be a regular pioneer upon graduation. This required door to door, volunteer service for a total of 1000 hours per year (90 hours/month). These proclamations and promises that we were close to the end of the world spurred on my desire to enter the full time ranks.

I didn't want to have kids, I didn't want to be rich. At that time my goal was to snag a worthy JW (preferably a pioneer) and preach. Poverty would be my lot quite willingly as I looked forward to driving old cars, living in travel trailers and serving where the need was great. Every day I worked to convince myself that this was I really truly wanted. All because I really wanted to go to Gilead, the JW missionary school. The only way I, a woman, could get there was by being married. So I pursued being married with a single minded enthusiasm. Also, my local congregation had a bad habit of having young girls get married - most were married by the time they were 20. Now this wasn't necessarily true for all JWs but it was true where I lived.

I remember the chills I felt at those conventions that summer - made more potent by the fact that I heard them twice. 1986 had been proclaimed the "Year of Peace" by the UN - a group the JWs despise. I was on tenterhooks waiting for the other shoe to drop and the end to start.

At the same time this vacation was the first time I had a chance to have others see what I considered the real me. This began a war inside me that was to last for a long time as I fought to completely run away from a life that was not working for me. In the end it was moving or friends that would save me - it was a complete break from my JW past that finally brought me peace.